Asking For It

How to ask for what we sexually want

What do you want, sexually?

Perhaps it's for someone else to take charge, to liberate you from the oppressive pressure of your own strict mind. It can be difficult to properly enjoy sensual pleasure when pestered by the whirring noise of a relentlessly noisy brain. A spanking may be much more than smacks on the bottom for you, it's a catharsis.

Or maybe you have more dominant tendencies, and yearn to be the strict rule-setter for someone you love. The rituals of spanking appeal to your desire for order, and you enjoy the theatre and choreography that comes from playing with power and control.

Some crave the firm hand of certainty that will keep them on the right path, coupled with the reassurance of a nurturing embrace. Whilst others flourish from receiving the validation of obedient slave, who they cherish as their most precious treasure.

Sometimes it's difficult to know what we want, and that's been a major motivation for my own writing. I've always believed stories can serve as safe private playgrounds for readers to explore new ideas and fantasies in the privacy of their own minds. Stories give us ideas we can point to and say, yes, I'd like some of that please.

Erotica helps us see sex from different points of view, they may even make us reconsider the sexual script we’ve been following all this time. It might be the sexual restrictions we’ve imposed on ourselves are rules we’ve assumed or internalised from others. Imagining new possibilities makes us wonder: maybe it is time to discover our own truth, and decide what will bring us sexual satisfaction for ourselves.

We have greater sexual freedom than we think. People crave novelty. All human beings would choose great sex over mediocre fumblings. Our partners want to be seduced. Think of seduction as an act of rebellion against the forces of normality, an invitation to take our hand, so we can show them what other exciting realities exist.

Knowing what we want is the essential first step towards sexual confidence. It's what gives us the mental strength to take risks, to be daring and adventurous. Confidence gives us permission to go after our erotic desires, and begin making our dreams and fantasies real.

So think of erotica as more than something to masturbate to. The very best stories remind us that new worlds exist beyond our personal experiences, and they are out there waiting for us, just as soon as we're bold enough to say to someone we love: I'd like some of this please.

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How to Ask for What We Want

Through my blog I often receive anonymous requests for advice, and probably the most common question is how to reveal to a secret desire to a partner. For instance, I recently received the following message:

Hello, sir.

I wanted to make a confession of something I've a hard time, talking with partners. I don’t enjoy "traditional"/vaginal penetration, as much as I enjoy anal penetration. If I could, my pussy would only be touched by fingers or tongue... But nothing more. My backdoor tho, it’s perfect. I feel so much more pleasure.

I cannot even imagine how would I say this to a partner, how would they react...

I would love to hear your thoughts and even how you would react in this situation

For this lady, the secret longing is for anal sex, but you may well have your own hidden yearning that you regularly fantasise about yet have never revealed to anyone. It might be a desire to spank or be spanked. Or switching, or role-playing. or being pegged, or being locked away into long-term supervised chastity, or one of countless other sources of kinky fun.

So let’s start thinking about how one might break their self-imposed vow of silence.

Firstly, if there’s also something you’d prefer not to do, it’s good to be clear about your boundaries, but don’t make it the focus of what you have to say. Putting things out of bounds can kill the mood right away, especially if your partner quite likes them - and you might not even know this. So instead of saying "I don't enjoy vaginal sex", it’s better to say instead: "I have a confession to make, I’m a complete bumslut."

My choice of word here is deliberate. If you have a desire that’s intense enough to be a secret, you should go all in and own it. You can build an identity around it, create an alter ego so it feels less like a sordid source of shame, and more like a costume you absolutely love to wear.

Drawing a distinction between familiar you and sexy you is surprisingly important. It’s far easier to do intimate new things if we mentally transition into a distinct Play World first, and leave our Real World identities behind — something I’ve talked about before in another post:

On The Other Side of The Magic Mirror

In this case, I’ve suggested the alter ego “Bumslut”. I know other terms like "anal only" or "exclusively anal" exist to describe this sexual preference, but they make someone sound like a street sign, or a retail offer. When talking about sex, we should always use the most explicit language we can bear to utter, it’s much easier to bend reality if we wield the mighty magic infused within sexual language.

In my reply I also wanted to reassure the sender that most men love fucking bottoms. It is true that some men do feel some trepidation about anal play, but that's more than likely due to past partners having been ambivalent about it. Which only emphasises my point about how crucial it is to be absolutely clear about what we want. Unambiguous permission and knowing it’s desired can be extremely liberating.

But the sender’s message also included one vital detail: she mentioned that she didn't think she could say what she wanted to a partner. This does indeed present a challenge, but it’s not an insurmountable one. If you feel unable to reveal your secret face-to-face, you can always put it down in writing.

The basic template looks something like this:

Dear [petname of recipient],

I have a confession to make, I am a [create an erotic identity for yourself].

I crave [succinctly explain what you want, be explicit, preferably filthy too].

So I have an earnest and heartfelt request, I want you to [make it actionable, state your actual request here].

I want to [assume the sale here, write a short paragraph describing the enormous fun you could have together if your partner played along].

[Sign off with something alluring, or teasing]
[your erotic alter ego name]
xxxxx

And that's it. There’s no need for the letter to be long, and you definitely don’t need to justify yourself. What is important is getting your secret out of your head, and out into the open, because only there can it be discussed.

For instance, our lady could use this template to write a letter like this:

Dear Sir,

I have a confession to make, I am a complete and utter bumslut.

By bumslut, I mean I crave being fucked in my tight little bum. It feels so extraordinary, being fucked in my cunt doesn't feel anywhere near as good.

So I have an earnest and heartfelt request. Whenever you fuck me, will you please fuck me in my bottom?

I want to feel your big stiff cock stretch and fill my tightest hole. You can still reach around my hips and cup and tease my wet cunt with your big strong hand, but I want my pussy to be empty and aching as you push deep into my one true pleasure hole.

My pretty bum is all yours, Sir.

with love and yearning,
bumslut
xxxxx

For extra impact, she might put the letter in a gift box, along with a packet of condoms and a pump bottle of lube. She could gift-wrap it, and tie it up with a ribbon. It is a big deal, and so should be presented with the reverence it deserves. She is giving away far more than a few kinky treats, she’s gifting her most precious secret, a revelation that constitutes a significant part of herself.

If he's smart, the recipient will realise what he’s been given. Her secret identity and a key to her heart. A magic word that he can utter at any time to instantly transport them both from Real World to Play World. Bend over, Bumslut.

If he's dumb, and doesn't understand that one of the basic rules of consent is whoever is penetrated decides the rules, then it's best to discover that early, and move on to one of the millions of other men in the world who'd be absolutely thrilled to receive a letter like that.

The great thing about stating your preferences is it becomes an invitation for him to state his preferences too. It becomes an opportunity for both to find their common ground. For instance, they might agree that vaginal penetration could be reserved as a "punishment", for occasions when she’s been "a bad girl" and loses her anal privileges. Or something they do every now and then, like on nights when there's a new moon. It's good to allow for some surprise and variety too.

The letter is merely the starting point. In subsequent conversations she could introduce her desire to spanked, whether that's before, during, or after having her bottom fucked. They can talk about plugging, and being plugged in public, especially on dates.

She can teach him the "proper" way to fuck her bottom, which is likely to be quite different from the rapid jack-hammering he may have learned from watching porn. She can teach him how to inspect her bottom too, and her favourite ways of having it smacked.

See how exciting all this sounds? How it radically reframes the situation by opening up new possibilities, rather than taking them away. It's basic psychology, everyone's inner child gets moody when told they can't do things, it's far better to enthuse others with new alternative ideas. Make the conversation about what might be, paint a future that’s inspiring and exciting.

Perhaps I’ve given you some ideas for a letter of your own.

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Many Conversations are Better than One

When we’re hesitant to ask for something sexually, it’s fundamentally because we fear placing our delicate vulnerability in another’s hands.

We have no way of knowing what someone else will do with our most precious secret. They might be enthusiastic and supportive, and treat what matters most to us with utmost respect. But there’s also the worry they may not react as warmly as we’d hoped, undermining how we feel about something we’ve long held special. Worse still, they could respond dismissively, and use our revelation to humiliate or control us.

This is why coming out about anything intimate is hard. Sexual matters can be wound up with all kinds of weird emotions and guilt. We have no way of knowing for certain how even someone we love will tread softly around our dreams — until we tell them.

That’s why revealing intimate details about ourselves makes us feel incredibly precarious. If we stay silent, we know the delicate status quo of our lives will be preserved. But if we reveal our secret, we fear everything might come crashing down. Hence we become avoidant, hiding and hoping to preserve what respect we have.

If you’re putting off opening up to your partner, you might find this post helpful too:

How to tell your partner you want to be spanked

If we are to reveal our inner selves, we can do it all at once, or slowly and incrementally. All at once means submitting our deepest fantasies for our partner’s judgement, but this can be scary and intimidating, and so we might just end up massively watering down what we reveal to avoid the agony of humiliation.

The other choice, which is much less scary, is to progressively discover what turns your partner on, and reveal complementary aspects of your own desires at the same time. Each disclosure you both make is rewarded and reciprocated with a new revelation. This requires establishing an understanding that neither of you will ever shame the other for their sexual honesty and candour.

You’ll be beginning a process, rather than staking everything on one momentous announcement. This means many letters or conversations will be exchanged, not just one. It’s a great opportunity to share your favourite erotic fiction and blog posts too.

An ongoing conversation makes it feel less like an ultimatum, where one must concede so the other gets what they demand. It begins a process of erotic exploration, where your desires are only the starting point. Once blended with the desires of your lover, who knows where your shared path may lead?

Whatever your own unspoken need, it’s clear that many of us would benefit from help and reassurance, so we can start revealing our most intimate secrets, and give us the chance to experience them. In this post I hope I’ve been able to encourage you to pursue the desires you’ve always wanted to make real.

And now I wish you the courage to ask for what you deserve.