On The Other Side of The Magic Mirror

Challenging conversations can lead to prodigious pleasures

Imagine you possessed an artefact, perhaps one you happened to stumble across in a musty emporium of antiquities, deep within a warren of alleyways you’ve never been able to find again since. It was a full-length mirror, within an ornate carved frame, its surface seeming to shimmer with an unnatural sheen. When you peered into it, you saw your own reflection, yet somehow different. Immediately entranced, you bought it.

Every day, you’d peer at your reflection, sometimes seeing yourself dressed in costumes far bolder than you’d ever dare to wear. Other times you’d see aspects of yourself you kept hidden deep inside, ones you thought no one else would ever see.

Eventually you pluck up the courage to share the secret of your new acquisition with your partner. You stare into the mirror together, amazed to see sides of each other you’ve never seen before.

You reach out to stroke your partner’s familiar yet weirdly unfamiliar visage. The surface of the mirror ripples like a wall of water, your fingers vanishing from sight beyond its boundary. An inexplicable feeling deep inside tells you something wonderful lies beyond. You feel your partner grasp your hand. You share a reassuring smile, before boldly stepping into the mirror world together.

A magic mirror like this would be your most precious treasure! Your portal into a personalised world of lucid fantasies and lurid adventures, accessible any time that you desired.

Real Life and Play Worlds

We spend the majority of our lives inhabiting an earnest world of serious responsibilities, which we reverentially refer to as Real Life. Yet we can also mentally and emotionally slip sideways, and travel into a parallel reality where we can be someone else.

And, as it turns out, no enchanted artefacts are necessary. We can travel to our fantasy world just by imagining ourselves there.

But why do we travel at all? Why don’t we have all the fun that we want in the familiar surroundings of Real Life — being our authentic selves. It’s an intriguing question, and the answer tells us a lot about ourselves, and the nature of intimacy.

What we call Real Life is defined by expectations and rules of behaviour we learn as we grow into civilised responsible adults. They’re the habits and conventions that make us polite and considerate. But sometimes we want to break these rules, and feel the hot rush of transgression, to be iconoclasts for a night, and shatter the prudish rules we’ve spent a lifetime obeying.

However, we don’t want to also wreck the life we’ve spent so much time assiduously crafting. So we need a temporary refuge, somewhere we can live by different rules for a night —and this is our Play World.

If it wasn’t for the existence of this transient Play World, kinky activities would be impossible, because they’d violate too many of our internal taboos. Scolding, sexual humiliation, the infliction of pain, making someone we love cry — we wouldn’t dream of doing any of these in the genteel domain we call Real Life.

That’s why we create a parallel erotic reality, and only invite our most intimate companions into it. This alternate realm can have its own rules and expectations, and along with our partner, we can jointly decide what constitutes acceptable behaviour here.

Now in theory, Play Worlds should be like moving across a border, into a much more liberal and permissive jurisdiction. However, in practice, it’s rather more complicated than that — and the aim of this post is to explain why. Fundamentally, it comes down to the following principle:

Our Play World isn’t a place where anything goes.

It has rules of acceptable behaviour just like any other space, and any new rules must be consciously decided.

So if, for instance, you want to inflict pain or humiliation on someone, they’ll also need to have their own Play rules about pain or humiliation. When we talk about boundaries in erotic play, we’re talking about the parameters of these rules, how far it’s appropriate to go before an activity becomes icky or unacceptable.

Unless we consciously create special rules for our Play World, we default to using those we know from our Real Life — like for instance, “It’s bad to make others cry”. Our real life rules are based on our fundamental values, and so aren’t principles you can convince anyone to discard or overlook.

If someone doesn’t have a Play rule for a particular activity, they’ll have to be helped to create one. But we can’t dictate rules to others, everyone must decide what’s acceptable for themselves.

It’s also worth remembering that all new Play rules are by their very nature tentative and experimental. It will take considerable experience, and emotional security before their rules expand to cover the boldest and most adventurous activities. The hallmark of a good lover is being considerate whilst others are still establishing confidence and comfort.

Even if both partners are well aware of each other’s boundaries, there’s still the risk of intimate awkwardness. It can happen if one has already mentally transitioned to their fantasy world, and sends a sexy message to their partner who (unbeknownst to them) is struggling with Real Life responsibilities. The surest way to avoid such embarrassment is to ensure we both step through the mirror together.

This is an excerpt from a longer article I posted here. If you’d like to read more about roleplaying, erotic make-believe, and how to tell you partner what you really want (whilst making their day too), I think you’ll find it fascinating.

All it takes is a note, or even a whisper.

“Meet me behind the magic mirror.”

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The Naughtiest Post of the Week

What’s the most fun can you have with 2 dildos and a spanked bottom?

The new Double Dildo Delight Naughty Game should give you some ideas, inspired by this post on how to incorporate double penetration into spankings.

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Readers’ Questions Answered

💬 “Your recent post about asking for what you want resonated deeply with me. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and he doesn’t know about my ddlg kink. It feels so fundamentally wrong to be turned on from feeling like a helpless child. It feels icky and I’m embarrassed to tell anyone about it. And when I think about coming out to him I feel like I need to have a reason for it or be able to explain it to him somehow but I have no idea why I feel this way either. I know that he will try to understand and give me what I need but I don’t want him to look at me differently or think I’m broken in some way.” [Link]

I completely understand your fear of revealing your kink, and being perceived as weird or somehow broken. I bet a large number of those reading this now feel or have felt exactly the same way.

I’ve already written about the practicalities of coming out, by either asking your partner what’s sexually important to them, face-to-face, or by writing your needs down in a letter. But it sounds like what’s blocking you isn’t an ignorance of how-to-do-it, but a deeper shame about your own desires.

I’m not going to belittle the beliefs that are making you so anxious, I know they feel absolutely true and real to you. But I do want to offer a different perspective on each of your 3 blocks, in the hope you, and others experiencing similar anxieties might find a way past them.

“It feels so fundamentally wrong to be turned on from feeling like a helpless child.”

I want you to challenge that belief, because I don’t think it’s true at all. On the contrary, what could be a greater act of loving and cherishing than caring for someone who is truly helpless?

If he treats you like a little girl you are granting him an immense privilege. You are putting all your trust in him. You won’t be able to argue or assert yourself, you’ll be becoming the most fragile and vulnerable version of yourself.

Doesn’t that sound so unbelievably exciting? It’s no wonder ageplay is so massively popular. All intimacy is acts of vulnerability, and what could be more vulnerable than being treated like a little girl.

I want you to believe your desire to feel small and fragile, under the complete control of someone you love and trust, isn’t wrong - it sounds like the most natural desire in the world.

“It feels icky and I’m embarrassed to tell anyone about it. And when I think about coming out to him I feel like I need to have a reason for it or be able to explain it to him somehow but I have no idea why I feel this way either.”

When we know an opinion is commonly held enough to be mainstream, we refer to it as “accepted wisdom”. But when we hold minority opinions, we don’t have the same reassurance that mainstream views have, so we feel we have to justify ourselves.

You do not need to justify any intimate preferences you hold. Someone who’s gay doesn’t need to explain themselves, neither does anyone who’s aroused by being humiliated or flogged or whatever their kink is.

If you try to think too rationally about any aspect of sex, it will appear icky. Sex is not meant to be understood logically. It’s not an equation to be solved, it’s emotions to be shared and enjoyed. Sex is a complex jumble of nudity, taboos, body parts and body fluids, shame, arousal, fantasies, and countless other altered states of mind.

The only justification you ever need for any sexual want is: “It feels good”. Either physically, emotionally, or mentally. You don’t need to explain why. Many can’t even explain your own desires to themselves, let alone others. Just because it’s too complicated to explain doesn’t make it icky or wrong.

Millions of adult women around the world love being treated like good little girls by the one they love. Take comfort from that.

“I know that he will try to understand and give me what I need but I don’t want him to look at me differently or think I’m broken in some way.”

If you’ve been together for 3 years, it’s safe to say you love and understand each other. You know his flaws, and he knows yours. Relationships often begin with a kind of terrifying audition, with both partners hyper-vigilant for red flags - especially if they’ve been hurt badly in the past. After 3 years, you’re both past that stage.

We can not avoid others forming judgements about us. Even when we play safe, we’re being judged, and we may be inadvertently conveying completely the wrong impression about ourselves. We might be passionate inside, but hide it so well that we appear dull and emotionless.

Please don’t fall into the trap of wanting to appear perfect in your partner’s eyes. We can not know our partner’s idea of perfection. Perhaps they just want us to be our most authentic selves, honoured to be trusted with our deepest and most precious secrets.

Imagine how brightly your flame would burn if you could be the little girl you want to be, held safely and securely in his strong, nurturing arms. Maybe that’s the fierce glow he imagines in the woman of his dreams.

Until we drop our mask, we have no idea if our partner will find our kink icky. But we can be sure of two things. One: if we’ve chosen our partner well, they’ll be open-minded and love us regardless. Two: we burn more brilliantly when we’re not hiding our flame.

What a tragedy it would be to deny yourselves a life of sexual fulfilment, when a joyous new path was only a single conversation away.

I want to leave you with a final thought.

When you make another person’s lifelong desires come true, and witness them spilling tears of joy, you realise orgasms aren’t the pinnacle of human pleasure.

I sincerely hope you’ll give your partner the gift of seeing you happier than you’ve ever been before.

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💬 “I don’t know how to tell my boyfriend what I want, because as much as much as I like being spanked and not in control, I also really like the reverse. Is that… allowed?” [Link]

Yes, of course. Switching is very popular dynamic, you don’t need to decide on whether you’d prefer to be a Top or a Bottom, and then stick with that choice forever. It’s perfectly acceptable to switch roles regularly, to be in charge one night, and be submissive the next.

Reading between the lines, it seems your question is: “How do I tell my boyfriend I want to spank him?”

The answer is you’ll need to tell him what you want, and the best way to do that is sit down and talk. Start by finding out what he finds sexually interesting.

If he already spanks you, things are much easier, as you’re both familiar with the power exchange dynamic. Tell him that the thought of being in charge fascinates you, and you’d love to try it from time to time too.

Find out if he has any concerns. Some men whose partners tell them they want to switch aren’t worried about getting physically hurt, but the potential harm to their egos, or some imagined consequences for the relationship outside the bedroom. Listen to him, and reassure him. Explain you’re motivated by mutual erotic satisfaction, not a desire to undermine or emasculate him.

Start with small steps. Suggest beginning with one switching day a week, when you’ll be in charge instead.

And if either of you find it awkward to get into the right headspace, you could try introducing some roleplaying.

Switching doesn’t mean you have to assume control 50% of the time, there might just be days when the mood strikes you and you really want to be in charge. It might be as simple as sending him a message saying: “I’m in charge today”, and him replying with “Yes, Ma'am.”

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💬 “What exactly is switching?“ [Link]

There are two roles in kink play:

• the dominant partner (also known as the Top), who leads/guides the scene

• the submissive partner (also known as the Bottom), who is the recipient of the experiences decided by the Top

Whilst the Top nominally chooses what should happen next, it only occurs with the Bottom’s continuing consent. So it’s too simplistic to say the Top is always in charge. It’s more accurate to say the Top directs the scene, and the Bottom consents to play along.

In some relationships, one partner is always the Top, and the other is always the Bottom.

But in other relationships, the roles adopted by each partner are more fluid. A Top might assume the role of a Bottom for a hour, a day, or a week, whilst the one who was previously a Bottom agrees to become the Top for a while. This is known as switching.

(The act of role swapping should not be confused with the use of thin whippy branches, colloquially called a switch in North America. The act of spanking with a switch is also known as “switching”).

If you’re new to kinky play, the discovery that some folks switch might come as a surprise. I’ve noticed in most visual and written erotica, the characters tend to have very well-defined roles, one spanks, one receives. So it would be easy to form the impression that switching rarely happens, or was just a very niche kink.

When I look back through my own stories, I realise I haven’t written about switching much either. Probably the best example is the couple in Treasure Hunt - but in most of my other stories characters who spank and then subsequently get spanked themselves tend to be disciplined by different characters, rather than swapping between roles in a relationship.

Yet switching is actually very popular in real life. When I ran a poll earlier this year asking which role readers preferred, 58% thought of themselves as solely Bottoms, 6% said solely Tops, and 32% considered themselves to be Switches.

Given those who switch get to experience the best of both worlds, you can understand its popularity.

So, even if you haven’t seen it on screen much, rest assured it’s perfectly natural to fantasise about switching over to be the one “in control”, and doing the spanking for a while. But it will require your partner’s consent, so if you do want to try switching, you will need to discuss it with your partner first.

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💬 “Hello! Love this blog and all the spanky kinky goodness. My question, how does one find a spanking partner? Or community? I know about fetlife but I'm so hesitant about attempting to meet up with randos from a kink site. It's a strange combination of shame about 'coming out' with my kink and a fear of being taken advantage of since I'd be so new at it. Any advice?” [Link]

I can understand your hesitancy about Fetlife, it’s probably not the ideal place to meet kinky folk if you’re inexperienced. Best to save that until you have a strong idea of your own boundaries, desires, and expectations.

Whilst meeting people directly on Fetlife can be intimidating, a better approach is lurk and observe posts in the Munch group for your local region. Once you’re more confident, you might dip your toe in and attend in person.

I’d recommend the post I wrote a few years about finding spanking friends first, and then letting those friendships develop into something deeper naturally.

Encounter people, perhaps comment on their posts, look for the people who like the posts you do. Find those who seem to share your vibe and values, then reach out and start a conversation with them, Talk naturally, tour early conversations needn’t be sexual in nature, you’ll be getting to know each other, like any new acquaintances do.

Every sentence you exchange is establishing a little more trust, you’re learning about your correspondent’s character and motivations. Do they seem self-centred? Do they treat you like a person with feelings, or regard you as just a potential body to claim?

In summary, if you want to meet new partners I’d advise forming cool friendships first:

• Begin conversations, without expectations. Anonymously.

• Make friendly conversation with many people.

• Continue the fun conversations and cut the creepy ones.

• Develop trust.

• See what happens. Then, who knows?

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💬 “This feels like a stupid question but I don’t know how to orgasm without the help of a vibrator anymore. I tried using just my fingers and it feels numb. I feel like I broke myself and now I can’t orgasm from penetration, oral or fingering. Do people get used to one form of stimulation and then it becomes impossible to orgasm any other way?” [Link]

When I started this blog I never thought I’d become an Agony Uncle answering questions on orgasms. But the paths of life are many strange, and somehow I’ve become a bit of an expert on not just agony, but ecstasy too.

So, to reassure you, this is not a stupid question, and you’re not broken. It’s just very likely you’ve become accustomed to the strong continuous sensations that vibrators deliver on a focused spot. These motors have been refined for decades to make you come, the much more diffuse feelings induced by penetration are nowhere near as intense in comparison.

If you want to experience new kinds of sensations, you’ll need to let go of the belief that masturbation must lead to orgasm, and give yourself permission to just play, without the expectation of climaxing.

You’ve probably seen that I’ve written lots of naughty games - and one thing you might have noticed about them is none of them are races to climax as soon as possible, that would quickly become quite unsatisfying. Instead, they’re about exploring different ways to play, whilst stimulating your mind as well as your body.

Putting a vibe on your clit is like attending a deafening concert. It can be great fun, but can quickly become overwhelming if repeated. And there’s so many other kinds of concerts you can enjoy.

I believe sexual pleasure is the experience of enjoying the journey rather than a race to a climactic finish. If you’d like to experience that too, I’d recommend getting used to the idea that you can play and not need to come.

I’m going to set you some homework.

Think back to how you played with yourself before you bought your first vibe. Can you remember? How you used to prepare? How slowly the sensations developed? How long it took to play, and how that gave your mind time to fill with lurid fantasies? And how often you never actually came at all?

Now, commit to playing like that for the next 4 weeks. That’s enough time for you to see how your perspective on physical satisfaction subtly changes. That it’s fun to touch and tease and fantasise. You can submit a message at the end of the month if you need some accountability.

Give it a try, I think it will change how you feel about pleasuring yourself. I think you’ll find you never needed those vibrations at all.

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And if you’re hungry for some gothic fiction, here’s a reminder of the last full-length story I posted…

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Until Next Time

Huge thanks once again to my wonderful readers for contributing such awesome questions. If this has fired your desire to anonymously ask a question of your own, you’re very welcome to do so here.

play safe, and stay curious!

— spankingtheatre