Understanding Sexual Fantasies
Why our fantasies are more than naughty stories in our heads
What do others fantasise about?
Just thinking about the possibilities is strangely fascinating. Part of us longs to peer into the most intimate corners of others’ minds, whilst another wants to be reassured that we’re not quite as weird as we’ve always secretly feared.
Fortunately our curiosity can be quenched, as this question has been investigated by numerous scientific studies. For instance, according to a multi-year survey of 4175 US adults by prominent sexologist Dr Justin Lehmiller, the seven most popular categories of sexual fantasies are as follows:
Intimacy with or in front of strangers
BDSM / Power play (domination and submission, spanking, rough sex)
Novelty, adventure, and variety (sex toys, new locations, role-playing)
Taboo and transgressive sex (e.g. voyeurism, exhibitionism, promiscuity)
Passion, romance, and intimacy (feeling wanted, attention, love and lust)
Non-monogamy and partner sharing
Erotic flexibility (going beyond expected roles, e.g. cross-dressing, switching)
Before we continue, how many of these kinds of fantasies resonate with you personally?
Why not take a moment to consider each category in that list. What does each category bring to mind? Have you ever fantasised about that? You might never have told anyone some of these fantasies secretly turn you on, but this is all in the privacy of your own head, there’s no judgement here.
Considered them all now? Chances are you’ll have felt at least a tingle of anticipation towards most of these fantasies. Some may make you blush, some might even seem quite outrageous, even though there’s nothing “wrong” with any of these desires. They’re simply the fundamental universal aspects of human sexuality, which everyone manifests in their own unique way.
It’s also quite likely you’re more interested in some fantasies over others — but why is that? And come to think of it, why do we even fantasise at all?
Why do we fantasise?
Live in the moment, they say. But when it comes to sex, the vast majority of us spend far more mental energy anticipating and imagining sexual situations than we’ll ever do acting them out in person. So one obvious reason why we fantasise is simply because it feels good.
You've likely heard of dopamine, a chemical in our brains that's connected to rewards. Yet what's interesting about dopamine is it doesn’t spike when we feel pleasure - but anticipation. This is because dopamine is our motivation chemical, it’s not triggered by an outcome, but the cue that leads to it.
Since we have an expectation of pleasure from intimate activities, even just imagining it gives us a dopamine hit. That's why anticipation is such an important part of our sexual psychology. The outcome of sex is actually pretty short-lived, but the anticipation and pursuit of what we desire is what brings us enduring satisfaction.
Seen this way, eroticism is actually a vital motivating force - a sexual impetus to venture beyond our comfort zones, to risk vulnerability with new people, and to try out new things. Without it, we'd probably be too scared to attempt any sexual contact at all.
So we can think of our fantasies as like a pilot light for our libidos. It’s a vital spark too, the future of our species depends on our flame of sexual interest never flickering out.
Fantasies keep us safe
Our imagination requires considerable energy to run, yet it’s been preserved and enhanced by countless generations of evolution because it serves as the guardian of our personal safety. It can predict threats by foreseeing approaching possibilities, like what might happen if I run across that road, or recklessly plunge into that murky lake.
Sexual activities are inherently risky for every animal on earth. We know passion with the wrong people can provoke jealousy, and even violence. So it's no wonder our imaginations are as good at exploring the ramifications of erotic situations as they are with any other real-world peril.
So fantasies are far more than indulgent distractions, they give us the ability to conduct mental dress-rehearsals, in the safety and privacy of our own heads. Intimate activities that we hadn't prepared for and anticipated would actually be profoundly shocking surprises. Fantasising is the mind's way of exploring the full range of erotic possibilities, allowing us to determine what arouses us - and also, unsafe situations we'd rather avoid.
Real life is messy and busy and complicated, and we're constrained by all kinds of circumstances and limiting beliefs. But these constraints melt away in our imaginations, where there's a version of us having an exceptional time, making our most cherished erotic dreams come true. Fantasies provide us with inspiration, the essential currency of motivation.
Fantasies are possible sexual futures
The most common messages I receive through my blog concern fantasies. Some readers are shocked by the nature of what they fantasise about, or the frequency with which these intense scenes seem to overwhelm their minds. Though this should not be surprising, since we can not achieve anything without imagining it first.
I encourage readers to think of erotic stories as more than just written entertainment to masturbate to. They’re really brochures of potential sexual futures. Each contains scenes that readers can try in safety of their own imaginations before they attempt the much more daunting prospect of acting them out with another human being.
Fantasising is like erotic training, where you do the reps in your mind, and whatever other part of your body you desire.
Reading erotic stories also adds new pages to our own internal erotic library, ideas we can share with others so they know what we like. Stories are always better than instructions anyway, as they give our partners the freedom to interpret our desires. We don't want robotic lovers, or those who paint by numbers, we want them to express their own sexuality and improvise as they seek to satisfy us.
Fantasies are comforting
Fantasising can also be a source of considerable comfort, a means of transmuting dangerous stress into healthy erotic energies.
For instance, I’ve received many messages from folk struggling to motivate themselves to study for important exams and projects, which is an extremely common defensive stress response. A common experience is they find themselves fantasising about a spanking from a strict school-teacher. When they inevitably masturbate, they raise their own mood, and the subsequent uplift allows them to accomplish the challenging tasks they were initially anxious about. Some even spank themselves, and study with renewed focus whilst sitting on their new warm bottom.
Our fantasies allow us to eroticise emotional and even physical pain. Anxiety is intense emotional energy, and healthily transformed, it can become a potent erotic fuel.
Erotic fantasies can be sources of great solace. We can imagine a world where we are loved and cherished, where the responsibilities of everyday life are suspended. We can slip into alternative personas, choosing from a wardrobe of a thousand imaginary costumes. It’s fun to imagine being naughty, and to eroticise authority and the consequences of breaking rules.
I believe fantasies are an act of self-love towards our own possibilities. The erotic flame that burns within us all can be a source of great strength and joy. Something that will light our way when times are dark.
We have an answer to our original question then. We fantasise to arouse ourselves, to explore our sexual interests, to weigh up risks and keep ourselves safe, and comfort ourselves and regulate our mood.
Thus fantasising isn't an indulgence, or lame wishful thinking, it's a very human superpower. The closest we'll ever get to time travel, a kind of possibility travel into internally created playgrounds, or futures that may yet come to be. You should use this exceptional ability, exercise and develop it, and fantasise often.
Cultured, sophisticated, epitome of elegance
A lifetime spent polishing an impeccable reflection
Yet even the fairest princess yearns to come like the filthiest slut
Why do fantasies sometimes embarrass us?
For many, one of the most confusing aspects of erotic fantasies is they don’t seem very aligned with how we present ourselves to the world. The contrast makes them seem weird and embarrassing, a shameful secret we keep locked away.
The problem arises if we think of our fantasies as a sexier version of ourselves, as if they’re the equivalent of slipping on alluring new lingerie or a libido-enhancing costume.
A better way to regard our fantasies is to see them not as sexed-up versions of our public persona, but as aspects of a completely separate private persona, one we only reveal to those with whom we trust deeply enough.
To understand this private side of ourselves requires acknowledging our unmet needs. Orgasms are great, but they’re a pleasant transient rush and not a fundamental human need. The missing needs that motivate our fantasies are mostly emotional, they arise from our lived experiences, they may reflect our desire for strictness and control, or order and direction, or love and attention, or many other things.
Sex is an expression of the basic need to be touched, to feel desired, and be understood. It is our universal human protocol for connecting, delivered by words and caresses, slaps and tickles, deep thrusts and furtive glances, and literally anything else we can imagine.
Some find it easier to give what they need than ask for it themselves.
Fundamentally, eroticism is the quality of vibrant aliveness that makes people and situations sexually interesting. It is life’s truly transgressive force, an impetus to venture beyond our comfort zones, to risk vulnerability with strangers, and to try out new things.
Sex takes us outside our everyday ordinary existence, we use its power to create a triumphant redemptive moment – either in the company of lovers or in the privacy of our own imaginations. Sex creates a momentary utopia, like stepping through a magic portal into a private little sanctum governed by the rules of our own desires. A sanctuary where we can truly inhabit the present moment, when the pains of the past are corrected, and the future is a warm horizon of glowing possibilities.
Our fantasies are far more than a disguise to don, they’re an opportunity to step into an alternate version of ourselves.
The Liberty of Submission
For someone enduring a hectic life, burdened with immense responsibilities, their idea of sanctuary might be an erotic world where they didn’t have to be in charge, where they could pass the poisoned chalice of authority to an individual they respect, and whose nature arouses them.
In this erotic sanctum, the pains of the past can not hurt them. All those late nights striving to succeed, the sacrifices they’ve made and the regrets accumulated, in their fantasies none of that matters, they don’t have to be the sensible one, who directs every detail. They willingly submit their imagination, and perhaps their body too.
We often talk about fantasies in terms of escapism. In his essay On Fairy-stories Tolkien wisely observed that we should be careful not to “confound the escape of the prisoner with the flight of the deserter“.
Sexual fantasies should never result in deserting the real world - which is why the cheap unearned dopamine of porn can be so hazardous - but they can offer a legitimate escape from the prison of our past.
For someone who has lived a life where every moment is haunted by dozens of painful emotional choices, it can be a blessed relief to suddenly be in a contrived fantasy world where they have absolutely no choices at all.
Once their fantasy schoolteacher or governess tells them to bend over, they do as they’re told. Once cuffed or gagged or tied up, even their ability to talk or move is taken away. Bondage is a popular kink because it eroticises the loss of choice.
Some activities subvert our sexual expectations, with a dildo, women can penetrate, and men can be penetrated. As the study mentioned at the beginning of this post dryly notes: “Pegging was a particularly popular activity”.
Spanking is globally popular because it involves physical submission to an authority figure who's trusted enough to be granted the privilege of inflicting physical pain. The recipients of spankings gladly submit to someone who’ll scold them, and make their bottoms hot and sore.
In our strange looking-glass world of erotic fantasies, subservience is freedom, and meek compliance feels majestic.
Where once giving orders was their driving force, now obediently following them feels so thrilling. Freed of the arduous burden of being important, they can now revel in the liberating open spaces of insignificance.
This is why our sexual fantasies can not be properly understood as “ourselves - but sexier”. Fantasies unnerve us because they seem unfamiliar and peculiar. But if we see them instead as creations of our erotic imaginations, alternative realities where pains become pleasures, and the demons of our past become our guiding angels.
As Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi once wrote when talking about the euphoric state of Flow: "Being able to temporarily forget who we are seems to be very enjoyable".
The Service of Dominance
The concepts of dominance and submission are intertwined, if one is to submit and throw the ball of authority up into the air, someone else must be present and willing to catch it.
Whereas some love to relinquish control, others love to assume it. Such folk want to create an erotic sanctum of another kind, one where they can act differently to the public persona they’ve spent their whole life playing.
They may have been the quiet ones growing up, turning down their own volume to avoid the trouble that came with being too conspicuous. Their lives have been defined by reticence, politeness, and humility. But a life without praise and respect can be emotionally exhausting, it can make some feel powerless.
In their erotic dreamworld, they’re no longer forced to be the quiet ones, they’re given licence to assert themselves, and be the powerful force they’ve always imagined themselves to be.
Early in our lives we learn to speak the language of love softly, whispering our words with tenderness. Only later, as we learn the subtleties of sexual interaction, do we discover new ways of communicating. For those aroused by the possibilities of dominance, we learn we can say things that once seemed mean, and do things we might once have thought outrageously cruel. We learn that a single stern glance or smack can say more than a thousand words.
Dominant individuals may act with unfamiliar aggression and belligerence, but underneath, their ethics have not changed. They will be careful to act within the consensual boundaries of their partner. They find emotional satisfaction in disciplining and punishing only because they know their submissive partner does too.
Some pop culture depictions of sexual dominance lazily paint it as a kind of venting, a petty anger expressed through flogging helpless individuals. But being dominant has nothing to do with rage and resentment, and everything to do with the joy of stepping into the powerful role that their submissive partner yearns them to fill. It’s fun to be strict and bossy, to smack their bare bottom until it’s pink and warm, or confiscate a lover’s right to come.
In the strange looking-glass world of erotic fantasies, to dominate is to serve, and to punish is to pleasure.
It’s hot to take care of others. For many men, kink satisfies the strong innate masculine urge to free her from the burden of her busy mind, to make her decisions for her, so she only has to worry about being a good little girl.
Understanding Our Own Needs
If the space of all possible personalities was an immense ocean, most of us spend our lives sailing in the same local waters.
Our sexual fantasies enable us to sail wherever the winds will take us, to inhabit personality traits we might never otherwise explore. That’s why sex can bring us such intense pleasure, it’s more than the transient sugar rush of some delicious chocolate, it’s the transcendent epiphany of exploring somewhere we’ve never seen before.
That’s why several of the most popular fantasies mentioned at the beginning of this post involve variety and novelty: whether it’s new people, new situations, or the unexpected thrill of new experiences.
Our fantasies might seem inscrutable, but they’re much easier to understand than the surreal chaos of our dreams. All fantasies are the eroticisation of strong emotions, often rooted in intense positive or negative experiences. We could be eroticising the excitement and joy of our first love, the adrenaline rush of being adventurous, or the illicit thrill of almost getting caught.
Our fantasies reflect our own inner psychology, our intimate needs and our yearning to explore.
A desire to be watched or inspected might be a reaction to early experiences of being marginalised and excluded, only to later discover the intoxicating bliss of being the absolute centre of attention.
A desire to be spanked by an aloof authority figure is common amongst academic high-achievers, it might be motivated by the eroticisation of the strict rules they’ve spent their lives dutifully obeying, and the desire to win their praise and approval. The pain of failure, or feeling like one does not matter enough to someone we look up to can be more excruciating than any whip.
A desire to be sexually adventurous is often fuelled by the agonising pain of years of regret. A self-imposed sexual exile may be the result of shyness, or prudish beliefs we inherited from others. Such deprivation may fuel fantasies of finally embracing our sexuality rather than continuing to suppress it.
Everyone thinks their own fantasies are the weirdest, but that’s only because they’re the only ones we ever know in detail. The great virtue of erotica is it exposes us to the filthy fantasies of thousands of others. The more we read, the less we should feel perturbed by our own sexual oddities.
The same goes for others too, we should never shame others for their sexual desires, even if they’re not quite our thing. Filthy desires are not moral failings. We should reserve our opprobrium for truly improper and creepy behaviour, like not respecting consent and the boundaries of others.
Once we see fantasies as erotic expressions of our deepest needs, we can begin to be less embarrassed by our own desires, and treat ourselves more compassionately.
Our Ultimate Sexual Fantasy, Revealed
We might think the sexual fantasies that shimmer into existence inside our imaginations are simply our own personal works of erotic fiction, but that understates their importance. Each one is really a reflection of our deepest emotional and intimate needs.
Our fantasies are less about what we want to do, and far more about who we want to reveal ourselves to be. Hence our ultimate sexual fantasy is not winning over a particular crush, or even the filthiest situation we can possibly imagine, but something much more profound: that everyone dresses up for love.
It’s most obvious early in relationships, when we scrub ourselves clean, freshen up with alluring scents, and don our best outfits. We polish off our rough edges in the hope we’ll sparkle in our lover’s eyes. We mind what we say, mindful to stay on our best behaviour.
We put on this act because, deep down, we don’t believe if we presented who we really were, that anyone would be able to love us at all.
Hence the ultimate fantasy is to be loved, even craved, for being who we really are. It is to emerge from under the shadow of the threat of rejection, and grant ourselves permission to be authentically and unashamedly ourselves. To be naked, in every sense of the word.
The ultimate sexual fantasy is the freedom to act on our deepest desires, and stop pretending, at last.
Further Reading For Curious Minds
For those interested in the science of sex, here are two more articles describing the recent discoveries that are helping to explain the biological basis of pain and pleasure:
Fantasies are "really brochures of potential sexual futures." What a wonderful way to put moving a fantasy into action! I know my husband and I often move fantasies into real life then we have that rich memory to build on into the future -- or simply to savor. Nice story....really nice story.
Having you as a guide in the Temple of Fantaisies is a pure pleasure.