Learning to Love Sexual Neediness
How the exchange of attention arouses and satisfies us
Being needy sounds awful. It implies absence and yearning. It suggests we’re deprived of something essential, desperate, to the point of being famished. But in reality, neediness is the essential fire that grows and sustains sexual relationships.
This is an article about sexual neediness. If you’ve been in an intimate relationship, you’ve almost certainly experienced the feeling personally. It’s a longing, an unfilled emotional void deep inside, but something quite different from feeling horny.
We can feel horny when alone, but we only feel needy within an intimate relationship. Horniness is a purely physical sensation, an impetus to action driven by our libido. It’s the anticipation of sexual activity, the quickened heartbeat and the tingling in intimate places, as our bodies get ready to act on our erotic desires.
Neediness, on the other hand, is an emotional state. It’s as if there’s a gap within ourselves, that we want others to fill. It’s important too — if we didn’t have this vacancy, it would like trying to eat with our mouths closed, we’d just bounce off each other. Looked at this way, neediness isn’t a deficiency, but a perfectly natural state of sexual desire.
Neediness is the need makes intimacy possible. Just as food only satisfies us because we grow hungry.
You likely already know just how different neediness and horniness feel, from your own personal experience. You’ll know masturbating can satisfy horniness, but it won’t vanquish neediness — if anything, playing alone only makes the yearning stronger.
Just think of what we fantasise about when we play. We don’t think about the rush of pleasure an orgasm might bring, but imagine the sexual activities with others that might lead to it. We fill our minds with thoughts of being inspected, or teased, or spanked, or fucked.
The fact that climaxing might temporarily stop us feeling horny, but not stop us from feeling needy is a clue — playing alone lacks something special that only playing with others can supply.
Our sexuality is hard-wired to involve others.
Neediness is fundamentally a hunger, for the sexual attention of those we desire.
Stoking the Fire of Neediness
Neediness is a state of sexual vulnerability, where we are exposed for our lovers to see, and play with as they please.
This is well-appreciated by those who enjoy kinky relationships, who know neediness is an extremely desirable state, rather than a hunger to be quenched as soon as possible.
A very common kinky dynamic is for the Top to deliberately fuel their Bottom partner’s neediness. To let them linger and enjoy the intensity of that longing for a while, before finally satisfying it.
The result is an exciting roller-coaster ride of tension, anticipation and release, as neediness is progressively escalated and then relieved.
To understand the distinction between making someone horny and stoking their neediness, we need to consider the effect of time and waiting on sexual arousal.
Being horny is an intense state of sexual expectation, when we believe some kind of sexual activity is imminent. Our bodies can only stay physically aroused for a limited time, so this feeling is exciting but inherently short-lived.
Being needy is a less intense feeling, so it can be prolonged for longer. It is a mental and emotional state, so its associated physical responses are more subtle, tingling and butterflies rather than conspicuous sexual arousal.
When we’re needy, we’re not expecting anything sexual to happen immediately. We are instead longing for more of our partner’s attention, like a plant stretching for life-giving sunlight. The warming rays of our partner’s attention inspire fantasies about them, and lead us to imagine of all kinds of tantalising erotic possibilities.
As orgasms temporarily sate our sexual appetite, neediness can be intensified by voluntarily abstaining from masturbation, making it a privilege only your partner can grant. Those who’ve tried chastity and erotic denial know they can be very enjoyable activities.
At this point it’s important tostress that neediness must be nourished compassionately. Stoking and sustaining neediness is quite different from emotionally manipulative strategies like deliberately ignoring someone (“silent treatments”), or cruel avoidant behaviours like ghosting. Neediness should be a desirable state of yearning, and the recipient needs to trust their partner will not abuse their emotional needs.
So the golden rule when playing with neediness is to keep communicating. If real life intrudes and you’re too busy to respond to you partner, tell them. No one who desires attention should have silence used against them, it is unethical to ignore someone who loves you.
What the Top actually says (or sends — this kind of play works particularly well over messaging) will depend on the preferences and turn-ons of both partners. It can be as simple as just talking erotically, like the Top telling their partner what they’d like to do if they were together right now, such as:
“Daydreaming about slipping my hand up your skirt.”
“I want your taste on my tongue.”
“Can you feel yourself tingle where you most want to be touched?”
“Suck your little finger for me.”
“Are you making your pretty little panties damp?”
“Tell me how much you need me.”
“I know you need to hold my hand, little one, so you don’t get lost.”
“When I get home I’m going to put you over my knee, and spank your bare bottom”.
The recipient can then riff off the message received. Even though the Top might instigate and direct the conversation, this is still very much a two-way dialogue, and what the Bottom says is just as important in sustaining the conversation’s erotic energy. With the right vibe, both partners can give each other a feelgood buzz that will linger throughout the day.
It’s good to give your partner time to anticipate what you’ve said. To tell them what you have in store for them in the morning, and make it happen later that evening. A long gap to think might seem paradoxical, but anticipation fills the mind with enjoyable imaginings of what’s to come, quite different from a mind that’s empty, and cranky through lack of stimulation.
If this makes stoking neediness sound like an eroticised kind of flirting, you’d be right. Eroticism is a flame that requires continual tending to keep it burning hot.
In the early stages of relationships, flirting allows us to subtly signal our romantic interest. As intimacy develops, we need to be able to communicate that we still find our partner desirable. That’s why messages that keep the fires of neediness stoked are more overtly sexual. Once we decide we’re sexually interested in someone, we want to hear them tell us that find us hot, and we still turn them on.
How To Relieve Neediness
If all we ever did was stoke neediness in our partners, it would soon become frustrating, and ultimately overwhelming. There is a pleasure circuit in our brains that can not be left open indefinitely, it needs to be closed for us to feel satisfaction.
So my personal prescription for relieving neediness seeks to satisfy three separate needs, the need for attention, mental calmness, and sexual release.
1 — The Need for Attention
Attention is more than just a desire to be in your partner’s company, it’s a yearning to claim the entirety of their focus.
For submissive individuals, attention-seeking can manifest itself as being bratty, acting up through silly little provocations intended to elicit a response. Acting up might earn a smacked bottom, but for one seeking attention, a spanking where they’re put over their partner’s knee, literally right under their nose, is completely worth any subsequent soreness.
To give attention whilst remaining in charge, one thing I like to do is to tell my partner to undress in front of me, and fold her clothes in a neat pile. She will, of course, have my complete attention as she does so.
Once she’s undressed, I can inspect her whole body, including her bottom. I’m yet to find a better way to satisfy a need for attention than through a thorough inspection. No need to talk, just my gaze on her skin. During an intimate inspection, my attention couldn’t be any more focused on her.
I think it’s easy to forget how intimacy is fundamentally an opportunity for two people to get lost in each other. Most porn sex depicts the relentless race to orgasm, it’s extremely rare to show the participants being truly and completely present with each other. In most porn, the performers barely even talk to each other.
2 — The Need for Calmness
Spankings and other activities like bondage, teasing, or sexual servitude, help induce an alternate floaty state of consciousness, which many call subspace. This is a state of meditative calmness when the anxious mind is temporarily silenced.
For someone who’s spent a day in their own head craving attention, a good hard spanking reconnects them with their own body with jolt. The pain and pleasure imparted by spankings are not fleeting sensations, they can linger for hours. For someone who might have been needy for hours or even days, a transient sensation wouldn’t be satisfying at all, it has to be something that’s intense, and will last.
A well-smacked bottom not only satisfies the recipient’s need for attention, its afterglow can provide the spark that ignites their next fire of neediness.
There is a common misconception that spanking is solely a punishment, something enjoyed by sadists and masochists, and lovers of discipline, rules, and consequences. But spanking doesn’t need to be about strictness and punishment at all, it can be purely an act of sensuality, the giving of a sensation from one partner to another, for no other reason than a spanking feels incredibly good. Little wonder spanking is such a popular activity.
3 —The Need for Sexual Release
Afterwards, there’s still one more need to satisfy: her accumulated sexual excitement, which now will be even greater given all the attention she’s enjoyed. As she’ll be in quite a floaty state by now, it would be very easy for her to zone out completely. So I prefer methods where she has to actively participate in her own pleasuring, and which will deliver her orgasm slowly. That means her clit should definitely not be touched.
I might tell her to lie back, spread her legs, and masturbate in front of me. That’s it. Show me what a naughty girl who’s just been spanked does when she’s sent to her room with a well-smacked bottom.
Or I might make her sit on the coming chair — a seat with a dildo in the middle, so she’s properly stretched and filled as she squirms on her recently smacked bottom.
Or I might put the suction base dildo near an edge of the kitchen table, place a chair in front of it so she can step up and sit on it. Once she’s seated I can take the chair away so her feet dangle over the edge, and watch as intrusion stretches her and she slowly comes.
It won’t take much for her to climax, not after being so thoroughly inspected and spanked. She might even come more than once.
Tops need attention too
Neediness is often associated with submissive individuals, but dominant partners has their own needs— they’re just manifested in different ways.
The satisfaction Tops get from spanking is psychological rather than physical, and most comes from witnessing the effect of their erotic actions through their partner’s reactions. If a spankee passively endures a spanking in silence, all their partner is going to get is a weary arm and a gnawing feeling of unease. Am I hurting you? Have you zoned out? Am I not smacking hard enough? Are you bored now?
Reactions to bottom smacks are far more than mere yelps and moans, they’re a vital form of sexual communication.
All intimacy is the reciprocal exchange of attention.
Whining and whimpering is preferable to stoic silence, whether it’s squirming and moaning, pleas of contrition, or being a bit theatrical through flailing feet and arms.
My favourite reactions are when my partner responds enthusiastically to being spanked. Where she acknowledges that naughty girls must get sore bottoms, and admits that’s just what she deserves. When I can scold, and start a fun back-and-forth dialogue of sassy replies. Where her only pleading is begging me to spank harder, and I know she’s profoundly grateful for her discipline.
I love ”good girl” spankings, when she appreciates the gift I’m giving her, and encourages me to go further. I love it when she pleads for the same treatment again tomorrow. I love it when she provocatively spreads her legs to reveal her swollen glistening lips, and confesses just how wet I’m making her.
I love it when she says: “I’ve been such a naughty girl” — or — “Please spank me hard”.
I love it when she’s unexpectedly outrageous. “Is it naughty to get a stiff clit during a spanking, Sir?” — or — “I played with myself last night, thinking all about what you’d do to me”.
Dominant partners are not robotic spanking machines, they also need to feel appreciated. Speaking as one myself, this is the essence of our own neediness. We need the emotional and sexual impacts we impart to be acknowledged and appreciated. Without this acceptance we are denied the opportunity to truly connect.
I’ll let you into a big secret: if your partner is into spanking, how enthusiastically you react to their smacks is how you seduce them.
Neediness is Good
I hope this post has been thought-provoking, and the distinction between being physically horny and erotically needy is clearer to see.
I hope it’s led to a more positive opinion of the state of neediness, that it’s a desirable state of vulnerability that can be responsibly stoked by someone you trust. I hope you’ll give yourself permission to feel needy, and grant your partner the privilege of stoking your fire.
I hope you’ll view neediness like an increasing appetite, growing ahead of a gourmet meal. The naughty thoughts you plant flirtatiously in your partner’s mind will keep them salivating, eager for more.
I hope I’ve been able to give you some ideas on how neediness can be enjoyably satisfied, and made you long to experience it for yourself. If you’ve been reading it with your fingers in your panties, you should forward this post to your partner.
All intimacy is the reciprocal exchange of attention. Both partners need to be appreciated and teased, not just whoever is playing the submissive role. Give your partner the gift of neediness, satisfy them with the warm energising glow of your attention, and watch them bloom.
What an amazing article. Thank you for writing it.
As a fem domme this stroked my fancy.